The other night at the gym, I got stuck as I often do working out while watching Fox News. Trapped on the treadmill and desperately trying to keep my eye instead on the People magazine I've actually selected for my brainrotting pleasure, Bill O'Reilly keeps popping up in my peripheral vision. He's interviewing Newt Gingrich, which seems to me to be the ultimate in televised mutual masturbation:
"Newt, isn't it true that the Secularists are working day and night to destroy Christmas joy for all the good little Christian boys and girls?" O'Reilly intones.
"Well, Bill, you've hit it spot on there. The more the liberal media promotes that Secularist agenda by running constant stories about the Christmas season, the easier it is to tell how much they hate America. And, Bill, have you managed to figure out yet why it is that they hate the Baby Jesus with such a fiery passion?" Newt asks.
"You're so right, Newt. They do hate the Baby Jesus. And apple pie. And motherhood. And America. And our troops."
Why, oh, why does the captioning work for Fox News and not for The Simpsons?!? Both offer cartoonish figures saying sometimes ridiculous things. How much harder can it be to parse Homer than Bill? My only consolation is that when I do catch sight of these exchanges, it raises my heart rate. Could it be that Fox News is helping get me into better shape? Bill O'Reilly, my ass thanks you.