It takes a lot for me to buy a book in hardback. Hell, it takes a lot these days to get me to buy a book. We have a good library and a big mortgage, so waiting until the LivPubLib decides to spring for it generally works for me. Still, when I picked up a copy of Organic Housekeeping by Ellen Sandbeck while accompanying Connery to his regular visit to the Thomas the Tank Engine set at Barnes and Noble, I knew I wanted to buy it. My cursory examination revealed practical, common-sense tips for making housekeeping greener by using natural ingredients such as baking soda and vinegar instead of chemical wonders like FANTASTIK and FEBREZE!
And, I have to say, for about half of the book, she really had me. She was self-deprecating about her own lackluster housekeeping, offered generally interesting and user-friendly advice, and made going green seem not only necessary but practical and do-able. I was even seriously considering composting.
But then she began to lose the plot and I began to have flashbacks to: 1) junior high shop class safety videos; and 2) local news in Connecticut.
My brother does this great impersonation of the safety lecture of his own junior high shop teacher which goes something like this," This is a drill press. You may be blinded. This is a band saw. You may lose a finger." (Oh, and for the record, we're allowed to make shop teacher jokes and enjoy shop teacher impressions because our dad was a shop teacher. The rest of you can shut up about shop teachers. And I mean that in the nicest possible way.)
Here's Ellen Sandbeck's impression of the junior high shop class safety lesson, offered on page 322:
"Malfunctioning gas appliances such as furnaces, stoves, water heaters, and clothes dryers can produce deadly amounts of carbon monoxide (CO), an odorless yet deadly gas that is produced by all kinds of combustion. Carbon monoxide displaces oxygen in the blood, causing disorientation that may prevent victims from escaping and--if they don't manage to escape--bright red corpses."
In other words, "Here is a kitchen range. You may be graphically suffocated and end up the color of a Flathead cherry."
Do I want to downplay the importance of carbon monoxide detectors and safe home heating? No way. Did I want to know that last bit? Not at all. It's one of those instances that I would wish for the ability to go into my brain and scrub a portion clean until I can no longer remember the specific wording used. Un-bloody-likely.
But then, the hysteria got worse.
Here's Sandbeck's take on electric blankets, or, as she calls them "electric wolves in sheep's clothing":
"Never put anything on top of an electric blanket while it is energized; enough heat can build up between the item and the blanket to cause a fire. This means no pillows, no coverlets, no bedspreads, no clothing, no dolls, no toys, no pets, no small children... Even the most sedate cat or dog can literally become a ball of fire if he naps on top of a heated electric blanket." (emphasis mine)
Sweet Buddha on a beach ball, people. Literal balls of fire? That's when I knew I would have to put the book down. You see, when I was living in New England, I was subjected to Connecticut News 30, the station that took "If it bleeds, it leads" to entirely new heights. My mom and I still joke about deadly Winter Storm Chuck, which hit while she was visiting me in New Haven and involved two gusts of wind and a snowflake. One night, probably while I was avoiding doing my Russian homework, the trailer came on with the lead story of "Pet Store Fire in Milford! Burning Bunnies and Flaming Puppies at 11!" Unfortunately, I am only exaggerating slightly.
When a hardback book that I have purchased begins to emulate Connecticut News 30, it is not pleasing. I will still take her good advice, but I'm ignoring the flaming pets--at 11 or any other time.