Waiting in my email inbox this morning was this intriguing offer:
Dear Friend,
I am Prince Fayad Musa H. Bolkiah, the eldest son of Prince Jefri Bolkiah, former Finance Minister of Brunei, the tiny oil-rich sultanate on the Gulf Island of Borneo.
I will save your time by not amplifying my extended royal family history, which has already been disseminated by the international media during the controversial dispute that erupted between my father and his stepbrother, the sultan of Brunei Sheik Muda Hassanal Bolkiah. As you may know from the international media, the sultan had accused my father of financial mismanagement and impropriety of US$14.8 billion dollars.
This was as a result of the Asian financial crisis that made my fathers company Amedeo Development Company and government owned Brunei Investment Company to be declared bankrupt during his tenure in office. However my father was kept under house arrest, his bank accounts and private properties including a crude oil export refinery were later confiscated by the sultanate. Furthermore during this unfortunate period, I was advised to evacuate my immediate family outside the sultanate to avoid further prosecution from the sultan and his security operatives, but before I could do that I was placed under house arrest after a little gun fight by the Sultans security men and I had no access to phone, but I have a laptop from which I am sending you this mail. Some of the guards here are still loyal to me.
Before my Incaseration, I went ahead to dispatch the sum of Four hundred and twenty Million United States Dollars (US$420,000,000.00) in cash with the assistance of a foreign diplomat who now resides in Europe.
The money has now been deposited as valuables into different private security and trust company for safe keeping abroad. The money was split and kept in the following countries in this proportion: US$50 Million is in London, US$160 Million is in china, US$40 Million is in Thailand, US $170 Million in Amsterdam, the Netherlands.
Please if you know you can assist in claiming and investing it in real estate/property to guarantee the future survival of my family, contact me fast so that I'll give you contact information of the security company in Europe and other parts of the world where the funds are deposited. For your assistance i will compensate you with 25% of the total sum and another 5% shall be set aside to defray any expenses that may arise.
Please I count on your absolute confidentiality, transparency and trust while looking forward to your prompt response towards a swift conclusion of this business transaction through my email address as follows: [fayad_m_b@yahoo.ie]:
Thanks & May Allah's blessing remain with you.
I remain yours sincerely,
Prince Fayad Musa H. Bolkiah
I have to tell you that really, this is such an improvement over the Nigerian Scam emails of old! I remember receiving those first hesitant emails with their charming spelling mistakes and odd syntax so many years ago, and here we have a letter that dazzles with its nearly correct usage ["Incaseration" vs. incarceration might trip up a few Americans!] and telling details [I especially like the image of "a little gun fight by the Sultans security men"--almost Bryson-esque in its understatement]. This indicates to me that the Nigerian-type scammers are either enrolled in some serious English classes--like Defense Language Instutite good--or that they are now employing native or near-native English speakers to edit their prose.
So here's my offer to the prince: I'm sorry that I can't help you with your attempts to get your money. It's so hard to find a decent private bank around here, you see. I could, however, edit your future scam emails to help you reach the next level of competence. You're so very close now, but with an experienced native speaker at your side, you could hit the jackpot of scam letter composition. I am awaiting the favor of your prompt reply most anxiously.