The best satirist in the world could not make this shit up:
Like Hansel and Gretel hoping to follow their bread crumbs out of the forest, the FBI sifted through customer data collected by San Francisco-area grocery stores in 2005 and 2006, hoping that sales records of Middle Eastern food would lead to Iranian terrorists.
The idea was that a spike in, say, falafel sales, combined with other data, would lead to Iranian secret agents in the south San Francisco-San Jose area.
You know, now that I think about it, I did first try falafel at the behest of friends who lived in San Jose. The fact that we were in Michigan at the time just threw me off their evil course. As did the fact that they were Americans who just happened to like falafel. Granted, they were vegetarians, so that would make them immediately suspect, but I never thought that they were actually trying to get me to join Al Qaeda way back in 1996 by indoctrinating me with tasty fried patties of mashed chickpeas.
Terrorism has never tasted so good.
I confess that I have continued to eat falafel since 1996. I was even a frequent visitor to a falafel shop in Prague that was, confusingly, run by Lebanese people. It's confusing because it turns out that only Iranians enjoy falafel and other Middle Eastern food, while all those Lebanese and Syrian and--gasp--Israeli diners sure seemed to be enjoying their food.
Spikes in Middle Eastern food sales couldn't possibly have anything to do with the ever-expanding American palette, could it? I mean, my cousin brought hummus to a family picnic in 1994 and there was a great deal of confusion about the Lesbian Dip. Now, my 4-year-old son eats hummus with his carrot sticks...sometimes instead of ranch dressing. Good lord.
Now I realize how insidious this is. My son, a preschooler-American, throwing over the All-American Ranch Dressing in favor of terrorist bean dip. What is the world coming to?
If you need me, I'll be cleaning the chickpeas out of my pantry. Gotta make way for the Hamburger Helper.
(H/T Chet Scoville at Shakesville.)