Dear Federal Government:
Since you seem to be handing out free money to fuck-ups, I'd like to get in line. That's right--I'm ready for my bailout.
I don't know if I can claim the magnitude of mistakes that Wall Street can--after all, I never paid myself hundreds of millions of dollars a year while I was merrily pissing away company money like a first-timer on a Vegas hot streak--but, as they like to say in the trade, mistakes were made.
I admit that I should have majored in something practical like accounting. I admit that I should have eschewed graduate school and gone straight to work in said practical accounting field. I admit that I should not have let lifestyle considerations affect my choice of places to make my home and should have instead gone wherever the money was best. I admit I haven't paid of the balance of my credit card every month like I'm supposed to. I admit that 10 years out of grad school, I still have student loans. I admit that Chip hit a deer with out car last fall and we had to buy a new (used) one that won't start now. I admit that we bought our house about three months before the peak of the housing bubble. I admit we had another baby knowing that our health insurance would still leave us with close to $10K in out-of-pocket expenses.
Like I said, mistakes were made.
Luckily, Federal Government, my bailout will not cost even a minute fraction of the $700 billion that's being discussed for the Wall Street corporate welfare payments shore-up. Forgive my student loans, pay off my credit cards, maybe the mortgage--we'd still be looking at considerably less than 10 hours of salary for the former CEO of Lehman Brothers.
Speaking of which, can we discuss a way where maybe I wouldn't be putting the average taxpayer of the United States on the hook for my mistakes? I'm thinking that a better way would be to round up all those high-flying CEOs who helped to bring down our financial system and have a massive fire sale of their assets. I'm sure that there are a few (non-imprisoned) Russian oligarchs and Saudi princes who could be persuaded to drop some of their considerable wealth on repossessed private jets and second homes and yachts. I hear the tax havens of the Caribbean are nice this time of year. I bet we could find a tidy portion of that $700 billion with the super-rich equivalent of a bake sale.
By the way, Federal Government, did you know that that $700 billion is more than we taxpayers have spent on the Iraq war? Wow! If only we had not gone into Iraq and had not removed all pretense of regulation of our financial markets so that we wouldn't have gotten into this mess, we could be $1.4 trillion richer. Or should I say $1.4 trillion less in debt to the Chinese?
Oh, Federal Government, I've always been your backer. I enjoy having roads to drive on, schools to learn in, police to protect me, a standing army...that's always been enough for me. When you gave me $1,500 in May, I was a little embarrassed. I mean, what had I done to deserve that? I'd come to accept that I give you a portion of my hard-earned money and you take care of me in some pretty key ways. But now I know that $1,500 is just chump change--or maybe it was a down payment? Either way,where's the rest of it?
I've already spent my $1,500 on gas, groceries, and new tires for the car that won't start. I'll expect the rest of my bailout just as soon as you can arrange it. You know my bank details. I'll be waiting.
Sincerely,
Nicole