Of the many, many trend stories that I would like to see die a rapid death, "the unstoppable demise of the American family unit" is probably highest on the list. Whether we are being threatened by TEH GAYZ or single parents or selfish, non-breeding couples, we are told constantly that "our" ideal vision of Ward and June Cleaver and their two boys is in grave peril. Except that for most of us, the Cleavers weren't and aren't the ideal. And that different kinds of families--showing their togetherness in different ways--don't represent a threat to us.
Even when the data don't support the downfall theory, reporters seem duty-bound to write as if they do. This morning's AP story on family dinners is a great example. The data show that "more than 60 percent of those who live with families said they sat down with family for dinner at least five nights in the past week...(and)...Home-cooked meals were the norm, not just takeout and the like."
So two-thirds of families have "family dinner", which should indicate the health of the institution, right? Wrong! Because sometimes we have dinner and the phone rings. Here's the lead:
"Pass the gravy — plus the phone and the remote control. It's dinnertime in America.
Between the blare of the TV, the ring of the phone and Junior texting his buddies under the table or from the couch, the modern dinner comes with a heaping helping of distracting bells and whistles, an Associated Press-iVillage Food poll found."
If you stopped reading right there, you might assume that the vast majority of American families are having sham family dinners, with everybody tuned in to the TV or too busy texting to even taste June's meatloaf. But here's what the data actually show:
- 24 percent of people "always" have the TV on during dinner but 30 percent "never" do. In fact, while 55 percent admit to having the TV on during some mealtimes, the other 45 say it's on "rarely" or "never". Hardly the kind of majority that proves all of us are just lazy, couch-eating slobs.
- 5 percent of people "always" have someone at the table texting or on a cell phone, while 73 percent say they "never" do.
- 67 percent of people polled said that on five or more evenings in the past seven days, someone made a home-cooked meal. That's compared with just 12 percent of people who said that there were zero to two evenings a week that happened in their household.
And yet, even with the vast majority of the survey showing people having home-cooked family dinners, mostly without distractions, the headline on the table? "Most cite interruptions at dinner table." I may not be a stats whiz, but even I know you can't count all of those smaller, distracted percentages cumulatively.
Family dinners in my house are serious business. We don't have a TV in the dining room--hell, we don't even have one upstairs--and we cook and eat as a family. That's the way it was when I was growing up, and that's the way I plan for it to be for my kids. In fact, growing up in my family, we not only ate pretty much every dinner together, we also ate breakfast together. (Even on school days! Mad props, Mom and Dad! No idea how you managed that!) But I also recognize that family dinners can be hard, and to imply--as this article does, I think--that family dinner can only be one thing to be valuable is to do a disservice to the people who don't have that privilege.
It's a privilege to have your family all on a single schedule--i.e. to not have one parent working nights, which makes family dinner impossible. It's a privilege to have the time and energy to prepare (and clean up!) a home-cooked meal. It's a privilege to have been taught how to plan meals and grocery shop for them and prepare them.
I do think that American families are in crisis, but it's not because of laziness and TV and cell phones. It's because there is no safety net for any of us. I wish the media and our public officials would focus on that and not on 1950s markers of family health.